Saturday, April 28th, 2001
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2:14 pm - Take It Out On Me
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you wanna blame me
for all your past mistakes
and then you say we
can make your life great
long as ya frame me
how much can i take?
you think im a toy
that i dont know the rules
think ill be unemployed
but ill play it cool
you think im not annoyed
if so your a fool
im so irresponsible
who do you think cares
im unconquearble
in my head and all theres
the youth we are
makin your life hard
well make it harder still
breaking out of bars
out of chains
from your reigns
we think its time to make a change
current mood:  pissed off
current music: CIV - Using Someone Else
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, April 22nd, 2001
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4:58 pm - height of last eve's depression...
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i feel as if everything is lifting
and i am being left behind
the feeling isn't very fitting
because theres so much left in life
saying that im smiling now
is a very sad denile
as my spirits climbing down
a tear races past it
and splashes gently on the page
the image could be quite beautiful
if there wasnt so much pain
current mood:  energetic
current music: Incubus - Nowhere Fast
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, April 21st, 2001
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8:19 pm - You aren't ever what you claim to be
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i sit in front of white screens
white light blinds me
in a time we leave behind thee
things we need most
now i need you, sadly i think
its not vice versa
broke me down no need to gloat
times where i speak free
the slave camps on my tounge
if you look too close
i dream that i wont stay afloat
i dream on a boat
you dream in your bed, safely
you dont see the same things as me
you dont see my love
couldnt understand theres more than it seems
beneath my skin
emotions still beat
still run as deep
and if in a dream
that one time we meet
dont run and scream
itd be all to sweet
but im just a creep
no one wants me
im just as plastic
as your smashing pumpkins cd
thats what you think
you think your above
you think your beyond
well i know your wrong
a push and a shove
and soon youll be gone
a drop in the pond
that is my hearts gloom
dark as the woomb
that brought me aboard
and led me to take
your life in my hands
sure your still living
fake and bake tanned
thats all i am
some say attractive
but i know im ugly
uglier than you could ever practice
pretend
to be something
the truth can be bent
but mirrors bend it more
and now you feel worse than you did before.
i took your heart in my hands
and did the same in return
you asked me what for?
and i said to learn.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Porcelina of the vast oceans
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, April 20th, 2001
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3:56 pm - all gone.
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gone, zing boom bang, rah rah sis boom bah
current mood: disappointed
current music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, April 19th, 2001
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1:22 pm - Untitled "a song"....
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if i could achieve my desperation
would probably fade away
set alongside the suns discoloration
and look forward to another day
make sure youve packed your baggage
where would we look for excitement
turmoil and emotional ravage
wouldnt want that to be left behind
a roller case of missed engagements
a duffle bag of past regrets
i wonder how you keep your patience
it seems to me that springs forever
i wonder if its summer yet
the breeze is blowing cant you taste it
youve been gone for years yet never left
catching up is such a hassle
cant we skip the drama please
you strip tease me with your tassle
you chill me down into my knees
im shaking like a new born baby
sweating from all this work
the new light bright as daisies
growing out of the darkest dirt
and when the world turns day and night time
i watch it all go by in slowmotion
the street lights streaking left to right
the only scent is that of lotion
rasberries and fresh picked cherries
you always planned your every move
you paralyze me, caught me staring
my excuse is ive nothing left to prove
current mood:  calm
current music: STP - Creep
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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12:22 am - ah yes, my children, gather round...
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well, brothers and sisters, my droogies, i just masturbated, and ahhh.... the world spins once more... unfourtanatley on my semens flight over my head and left shoulder, it seems to have dispersed itself all over the place, leaving not one single puddle to clean.... crunch crunch crunch in the morning....
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Staind - It's Been Awhile
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 18th, 2001
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6:48 pm - Me, My, I
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My blood is pumping sianide
My face is black and bruised
My lungs breath in insecticide
My neck hangs in a noose
My heart is probably black inside
My knee caps split in two
My Sacraficial lamb-like pride
My body lies inside a tomb
But enough about me
Lets Talk About you.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Dj Symphony(me) - Never Know
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:33 pm - i woke up this morning
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and i suggest you do the same, and download slowmotion by 3eb. Much less numb. Feeling something at least, *chuckles onto the update button*
current mood: cynical
current music: Green Day - 86
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:08 am - Growing Sadder - a song for all who miss their youth
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growing up is so depressing
remember those sweet lullabyes
the simple thrill of undressing
the first day of my school life
everybody wasnt ready
to turn away and say goodbye
no fear of the distant future
i remember that
wanted to be a race car driver
loved my mom and dad
i thought he was superman
i used to think he gave a damn
nowadays i feel much colder
i lost the twinkle in my eye
the reality of lifes a boulder
im just passing by
move aside or get run over
ive forgotten how to cry
still sometimes i can be happy
hard as it is to believe
rarity to find me laughing
im not as deep as i might seem
look real close my smile is cracking
and my chapped lips start to bleed
the secrets i am masking
are for a reason leave me be
you might think i am only acting
a heart shouldnt know such trechery
the only thing im really asking
is what happened to the scenery
current mood: calm
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - To Forgive
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, April 16th, 2001
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10:21 pm - ive fallen all to pieces
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i wrote a song, i think you will all like it, but of course no one visits MY MOTHER FUCKING LIVE JOURNAL SO MAYBE WHEN YOU DO ILL SHOW YOU SOMETHING YOU WILL PRINT OUT YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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9:13 pm - a glass cockroach
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a glass cockroach
with rocks for eyes cant you see he is unable
he cant
he just hides in his fragile cold misery
and lets fire dance in his mind
his insectoid eyes are glistening
the heated room is white
painted white and blistering
just like his skin
flaked into oblivion
current mood: apathetic
current music: Radiohead - High & Dry
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(comment on this)
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Monday, February 26th, 2001
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10:36 pm - new post for my 2 fan following...
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feelin the darkness, thick and overwhelming/
seein the falseness, led by the devils helmsmen/
ship sailin disaster quick, spread my message faster/
rich corrupted bastards suck dick simply ass kiss/
semen coated money stuffed mattress/
demon clothed in sheep’s skin, butt fucked actors/
i simply organize and open eyes , the chosen child/
exhile didnt treat me i spit wild like frozen fire/
liquid spirals trip me out i cant get out/
funeral pyres burn me cant hear me shout/
blinded by my fires inside me fear and doubt/
dive in cold waters extinguish revere the joust/
will we make it, will we burn?/
out our graveyard, its yo turn/
the road is paved kid, time to learn/
go straight with mind non curve/
meaning rise above the corporate mind-control/
the real live crime rise where those alike patrol/
im a roll with the ones with guns fa safety/
only bust on the elderly respected an stately/
pissin people off, hobbies performed daily/
skippin school an jobs were discerned greatly/
disenchanted pissed off at the evil encampent/
that yall call ya champion, how could this happen/
the presidency needsa instant vacancy/
a vacation see, murder 1 violent, blatantly/
within the bullet shell encase a message/
freedom to humanity, the gift that death gives.....
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, December 9th, 2000
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1:55 pm - final update(whole story) for now......
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heres a convo explaining the whole thing....
mcsymphony = me tmouse, friend
MCsymphony: incredibly fucked up
MCsymphony: u wouldnt believe the story
TMouse482: tell me
MCsymphony: iight
MCsymphony: ok
MCsymphony: first off, i call her at 8:30, her halftime during the game(captain of da cheerleading) and she seemed real happy, apparently we were going to a party or sumthin around 10-10:30
TMouse482: yeah
MCsymphony: so i get outta the shower at like 9:50, call her on her cell, nothin. so i got online, and her sn was on, so i im'd and no response for like 5 minutes
MCsymphony: then it responds, and it says, that its not her its her friend
MCsymphony: so i was like ok, where is she?
MCsymphony: and shes like she just gave me her keys and told me to go to her house and chill for as long as she wanted
MCsymphony: then we talked and shes like oh your chuck
MCsymphony: and i was like yah, i was like do u have any idea whats going on?
MCsymphony: and she said im sure youll find out everything
MCsymphony: but before that shes like, i heard she was going to a party
TMouse482: what the hell
MCsymphony: but i think she really went to josh sumthin or others house
TMouse482: that is fucked up and this is your girl friend?
MCsymphony: so i was like yah, arent they friend an ish and shes like yah
MCsymphony: ok let me explain this
MCsymphony: aight after that is when she says shell call u or sumthin
MCsymphony: and i was like, i tried her cell, and noone answered
MCsymphony: and shes like oh gosh, if her cells off before 10 that means someone else turned it off.
TMouse482: do you think she is cheatin on you?
MCsymphony: no i found outwhat happened
MCsymphony: shes like josh is her friend but i think he wants to be more than friends
MCsymphony: and this is his way to prove it
MCsymphony: so apparently hes gonna rape her or sumthing
MCsymphony: i was like, wat? is this some kinda joke?
MCsymphony: shes like i dont know i just saw her crying at the end of halftime and then she left and gave me her keys(end of game)
MCsymphony: so im chillen
MCsymphony: PISSED AS FUCJ
MCsymphony: fuck*
MCsymphony: haha
MCsymphony: and i just laid down and tried not to get real pissed off
TMouse482: dude kick Josh's ass and I'll help you
MCsymphony: but her friend seemed real worried
MCsymphony: so i was like this is serious
TMouse482: have you talked to your woman?
MCsymphony: and then at like 11 after i tried her cell phone again
TMouse482: what is her name?
MCsymphony: yah i called her
MCsymphony: ashley
TMouse482: okay
MCsymphony: and her mom is like shes asleep who is this?
TMouse482: what did she say>
MCsymphony: and i was like chuck
MCsymphony: so she gave the phone to her
MCsymphony: ok this is the messed part
MCsymphony: shes like oh my god...
MCsymphony: at halftime they were cheering or sumthing
TMouse482: yeah
MCsymphony: and sumone thre paper at her leg or sumthing and she just threw it back up and then they threw it again
MCsymphony: only this time she opened
MCsymphony: it
MCsymphony: and it was REAL fucked up
MCsymphony: sumthing about like
MCsymphony: your throat bleeds intomy mouth or sum shit
MCsymphony: and more.
TMouse482: areyou serious?
MCsymphony: and so she sat down like real scared and everyone stod around her
MCsymphony: YAH, im dead fucking serious dawg
TMouse482: oh my that sucks
MCsymphony: so then shes leaving and shes sittin in da guys car cuz its warm or sumthing, then shes gonna go and he grabs her arm and throws her back into the car
MCsymphony: and shes worried ya know
MCsymphony: but she thinks maybe its not really that bad
MCsymphony: so there driving
TMouse482: ya i would ve too
MCsymphony: and hes like did u get anynotes thrown at you?
MCsymphony: and shes like yah. and then he asks what it said, and said the whole thing right in front of her
TMouse482: oh my
MCsymphony: im talkin to her right now
TMouse482: okay
TMouse482: tell her i am sorry
TMouse482: what happened
MCsymphony: yah i told her like 200 times last night
MCsymphony: ok
TMouse482: and if she wants i'll kick that guys ass
MCsymphony: then they drive like kinda far out to some truck stop
MCsymphony: oh im way ahead a ya
MCsymphony: hes dead if i ever see him
MCsymphony: and he has her cell in his coar
MCsymphony: coat*
TMouse482: your kinda a friend to me now and no one fucks with my friends girls
MCsymphony: turned off, whu i coudlnt call her
MCsymphony: why*
TMouse482: oh i see that is when you must of tried to call huh
MCsymphony: and he like grabbed her leg and stuff and then hes like ya know wat im gonna do
MCsymphony: yah i tried like 10 times
TMouse482: oh shit did he rape her? or at least try?
MCsymphony: nah he didnt
TMouse482: Good
MCsymphony: he was tellin her he was gonna torture her and stuff all because she wouldnt go out wit him
MCsymphony: so there driving back and he drops her off at her street, pushes her out and says "have a good night" and then drove off hella fast
MCsymphony: but he still took all her stuff
TMouse482: oh shit i would be scared if i was her
MCsymphony: tru
TMouse482: so he has her cell phone?
MCsymphony: she said she was shaking
MCsymphony: yah and all her credit cards and money
TMouse482: WTF
MCsymphony: oh and the friend that said she gave keys and told her to drive home
TMouse482: yeah
MCsymphony: shes like i never gave you the keys
MCsymphony: and apparently this chick is real good friends of the josh guy
TMouse482: oh so she was part of it
TMouse482: i see
MCsymphony: apparently
TMouse482: that is fucked up
MCsymphony: she just told me that he has her car and house keys
im a get this fucker
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, December 8th, 2000
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10:37 pm - update
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if anyone cares i got this message from a friend who apparently was asked to take her car and drive it home and wait there as long as they wanted....
i don't know what is wrong with ashley she was crying right before half time was over and everyone was around her and stuff but i didn't find out what happened until she handed me keys and took off
..........i talked to her during the beginning of halftime
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(comment on this)
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10:34 pm - FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK
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ok, now she left the game, went to some guys house, and never called me, this is FUCKED up, but why would she make an effort to call me and shit in da middle of a game if she didnt like me???? fuckin EH FUUUUCK IN AAAAAAAAA. god damnit i am soooo fuckin pissed, i try to keep a cool, i think things are lookin good, and then BOOM this shit happens. fuck, i hope i fuckin die.
current mood: irate
current music: the sound of shells loading into a clip....
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(comment on this)
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9:08 am - murder me, nah, dont...
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tonight, i hope is the night, when i meet the senior, the girl that is so beautiful, and that i am so not worthy of, im only 16, and well shes only 17 but she will be 18 soon enough, but who knows, the girl who sold me my shoes at zumiez a few months ago, somehow came back in my life, and now im determined to make the best of it, CHASE- this is how my pickiness pays off you son of a god.......
current mood: indifferent
current music: murder she wrote beat(made by myself)
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, December 6th, 2000
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12:16 pm - The Truth Threw Smoke And Mirrors (written while class was taking finals)
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(smoke)
Twisted, corrupted, subliminal poloticians/
usina ball of tricks and political superstician/
to keep the u.s. in economical division/
and usin religion to keep indifference out of existance/
probin your brain and callin it mental medicinal pentence/
when in good sense were all searchin for deliverence/
forgiveness/
it aint a ghost in the sky its mostly inside/
if your belief in jahova would die, then you would be opened to the lies/
opened to the truth theres no gold in the sky that you go to when you die/
(mirrors)
I know something happened to create this universe/
and all i know about death is crates placed in the dirt/
and ive been headed to it since the day of my birth/
maybe were just insects being reclaimed by the earth/
and all weve done is destroy it and make this place worse/
i believe we should be punished, jaded and cursed
because everythings vacated that populated it first/
(my hell)
Sometimes i imagine a hell, and it isnt that bad/
its like a big tropical, AM-STER-DAM/
and satan would be chillen wit a joint in his hand/
puffin a sack and sniffin a grahm and sellin some crack/
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 5th, 2000
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7:29 pm - First Entry, "Awareness, Rebellion"
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theres massive pain in a vast universe/
kids mad insane they laugh when it hurts/
they jack ya name then kick ya ass and its worse/
like a football game switched from grass to the turf/
the government hidin secrets from us/
people seein the shit but keepin it hushed/
need some more rakers do go deep in tha muck/
instead of an emcee whos lethal as fuck/
presidential elect goin from weekends to months/
the system is steamin to bust wit evil and rust/
lining the walls polluting my mental ECO-SYS-TEM/
i see women and instead of gentally reaching to them/
im yellin at em beating em and creeping up in/
my mind is tainted i cant relate, ive been belated/
my mind bleeds, cant save it, it hurts with real pain, bled/
done, finished, young, innocent, blood clinging still/
floods raging kill, rage caged in will break out and fill/
streets with innocent victims till it reeks of blood and debris/
chaos and the silent chant that ?were free?
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(comment on this)
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